Fifteen years ago I bought you almost new from another student cellist, your only identifying label a small one that says "Made in Hungary." We've seen a lot together, from Twinkle to Scheherazade. I was stunned when luthier after luthier examined you and told me that you were about my age and a high-end intermediate model, not the shlunky new student model I'd been told you were by the previous owner. Over the past fifteen years your sound has developed beautifully, and you're powerful and strong. Your action is easy. Your only prima donna trait is your tendency to demand a new bridge every eighteen months, and really, when you think of what can otherwise go wrong, that's pretty reasonable.I never knew how huge you were until I handed you to the principal cellist of my chamber orchestra for a moment, and she exclaimed about your width and depth. You were just my cello; that's the way you were. So when I spoke to my new luthier and he measured you, I was surprised to find out that you are in fact an oversized 4/4. I am petite. I always thought people's remarks about how amusing it was to see a tiny person playing a large instrument were generic sorts of comments. Now I wondered if there was something else to it.
After much discussion with my new teacher a year ago, we decided to start trying 7/8s; she said that the smaller size and proportion would positively impact my technique. I felt horrible, like I was cheating on you. I felt even worse when I discovered that it actually was physically easier to play a 7/8; I didn't have a huge chunk of wood in my way when it came to putting my left hand in higher positions and moving my bow arm to play the C string. Even as I searched for a 7/8 whose tone I liked and whose action felt good, I thought I'd never sell you: I would be loyal to the end, whether I bought a second cello or not.
I rented the latest 7/8 for four months to play it exclusively in order to test the playing-better theory. And then last week I brought you upstairs from your lovely exile to play you, to see if there really was a difference. You were almost perfectly in tune, as if you'd been waiting for me.
And you were... harsh. Oh, your action was as easy as I remembered it being -- easier than the 7/8, truth be told -- but your sound was so bright and cutting that I found myself wincing. I remembered how I searched endlessly for the perfect combination of strings to tone down your brightness, to give you the more mellow sound that I craved. The sound that, I must admit, this 7/8 has in creamy, caramel-y spades. I had no physical problem playing you, but I did notice how large you were and how I had to lift my arms more to get around you, which limits the power I can devote to refining the sound I draw from you. You boomed, you were operatic, and... I cringed a bit. Were I a true soloist, your sound would be perfect for me. But I'm not. I'm a small-ensemble, orchestral-section girl. You're... big, in every sense of the word. And I'm small.
I know now that keeping you would be sentimentality, pure and simple. While I can physically handle you, it's just easier with a 7/8. And your sound isn't what I'm looking for. Now that I know I have other options, I'm a bit sad. It was easier when I didn't know any better.
You held my hand through pizzicato, my first shaky bow strokes, in-class group recitals, public recitals, joining my first orchestra, and playing bass in an eclectic cover band. We've experimented with a wide variety of strings and bows. I've given you four new cases over the years. Remember the time I shipped you to Toronto in the baggage car of the train, and the base of the hard case got somehow punched in? I panicked and opened you up right there in the middle of Union Station. And you were fine, laughing at me as if it would take more than whatever happened to hurt you. You have nicks and scratches all over you from minor mishaps over your forty years, and you don't care. You haven't a single wolf, and your balance across your strings and throughout your octaves is beautiful. I've never found your limits.
Come August, I'll list you in local classified ads and hope you find someone who will love you as much as I have, someone who needs your size and your beautifully developed, unique sound. I love you. And I release you.
~
* The original post at Owls' Court
* Owls' Court: the main journal
~
A triumph! No screw-ups, secure shifts, solid intonation, some pretty damn fine subtle shaping, and oh look, stable bow weight resulting in nice smooth crescendos! Huzzah! The ensemble pieces were good too. In fact, everyone did very well. And I am very proud of the boy who behaved extremely well, but who, alas, fell asleep right before the Star Wars theme that was the thirteen-year-old's choice of solo (just past the halfway mark of the recital). He quite enjoyed what he did hear, however. I am told he played air cello and clapped like a mad thing after the duet. 
... hopefully even recital, right?
Yesterday was all cello, all the time. Well, not precisely; I did three hours of errands and grocery shopping and such in the morning. But I had an excellent two-hour duet rehearsal with my partner, then had half an hour to tidy up, and headed then off to my cello lesson. It was great to hear my teacher say that it was really coming together, and there were just twiddly things to do to the duet. When I was packing up she said that in general I was sounding good: my bow was more confident, and my intonation was really improving. It put me in a great mood as I left, and it stayed with me for the rest of the day, even through the traffic from hell on the highway that nearly made me late to collect the boy from the caregiver. (Hello, construction season. I have not missed you.)
What does it say about my family when my son digs through the CDs and chooses Brahms' Fourth Symphony to listen to while he plays with his trains?
Well, I've done as much as I can on the ms.; I'm waiting for answers and edits back from two of the four people I queried, due back next Monday, and then it's back to the publisher. In celebration, I poured myself one of the new Alexander Keith Premium Whites that Ceri and Scott sent home with HRH after he helped set up their new dining table and chairs, and sat down to play half an hour of Metallica. Let me tell you, the #cello 4 line of the Apocalyptica arrangement of "Nothing Else Matters" is what it's all about. Seriously. Celebrate those ringing tones! Sure, it's shades of "this is all I do" and the stereotypical arpeggios played by basslines... but in 3/4 time, when you know it's what drives the song that you're hearing in your head at the same time, and those ringing tones echoing and lingering even when you're playing two notes later? Beautiful.